Signed From: Your Favourite Ramen Lover
by Deep in the Night
Summary: Sakura gives Naruto a diary for Christmas with the demand that he must write in it regularly... He, er, tries?
1. Sanda?

_A/N: I've been reading "_ Signed: From Your Not So Loyal Author _" by the user "_ The Kazekage of Suna _". It is a hilarious fanfic(which you should read) that acts as Gaara diar- er, I mean journal..._

 _Anywho, the reason this story exists is due to Chapter 55, where the author issues a challenge:_

 _"_ Make a short one shot labeled 'Signed From: ...'

Make a diary entry, and I'll choose one that makes me laugh! PM IF YOU POST OR LEAVE A REVIEW! It can be any Naruto character too! _"_

 _I'll take that challenge! (Even if it is late!) I know that this won't qualify, but it looked fun, so..._

* * *

 **December 26**

Sakura-chan told me to write in this; said it would "help organize my thoughts". Which is stupid 'cause I'm like crazy organized. But, I'm pretty sure there was a threat involved and I don't want to die, so BAM. Words.

... Uh...

Christmas! I'll tell you about Christmas!

Santa restocked my fridge and left me a note like usual. "You need to eat better yadda yadda..." He's one to talk. Every year I get a box of sweets to eat for Christmas morning and every year that guy eats them all.

 _ALL_ of them! I tried hiding the box, but he always finds it! I even tried switching containers and, this year, I hid each individual sweet. Didn't work.

As if that wasn't enough, there's crumbs _everywhere_ (it looks like a food massacre!) and half of the new milk carton is gone! (Which I don't really care about that last part since he got it for me and all, but really? Is this like his holiday-cheer tax or something?!)

Aside from that, I also got these really cool gifts! Like, Hinata-chan knitted me this hat that looks like a bowl of ramen(but isn't) and Kaka-sensei gave me a book called something like "blahblahblah Eating Ramen blahblahblah". Can't really remember the title, but, if "Eating Ramen" is involved, it's gotta be good.

Although, I did get some bad presents. Iruka-sensei, he got me trash bags for Christmas. Which makes _no_ sense. And Sasuke, the bastard, took me out for an all-you-can-eat lunch at Ichiraku's.

There was only one problem with that: when I finished eating, I turned around and he was gone! I had to pay for _both_ of our meals!

I'm gonna make him pay for that... And not with money. (I'm gonna beat him up!)

After that, I went to a Christmas party with Sakura-chan and Sai! Everybody was there, even Kaka-sensei! (Who looked really suspicious when I thanked him for the book and gave him a frog stuffed-animal.) Shikamaru was the only one who wasn't at the party. Ino said he was in Suna with Temari. (Friends are important, but I figured that Christmas was a family holiday. Why would he go there?)

Anyway, Sasuke was at the party too, but I decided not to get revenge on Christmas. It's a time of love and forgiveness!

Also, Sakura-chan may or may not of threatened me when I tried to lunge at him...

Now, today, I went and visited Gaara so I could give him his present. (Usually it takes forever to get there, but one of the toads reverse-summoned me and BAM, I was there. Kankuro nearly had a heart attack, but I'm sure he'll be fine.)

It hadn't taken me long to figure out what Gaara would like - every good guy loves ramen! - and I even wrapped it up all nice. Er, sorta. I'm not too good at wrapping up presents. The trick is to make sure they can't see the gift, right?

Anyway, I couldn't wait to give it to him and rushed to find him! But, when I did find him, he acted all strange and wouldn't take it.

It was weird.

He was calling himself "Sanda", the gift giver of some Suna tradition that happens on Christmas. Gaara's eyes got all wide and sorta lit up when he was saying that. I figured he was just looking into the sun. I should've warned him not to. You can go blind staring into the sun. Especially the desert sun. Maybe he's used to it?

I just nodded along and offered him the gift again. Apparently, "Sanda" is not allowed to "take when he must give".

What a good guy. I'll make sure to visit him on his birthday to cheer him up! After all, it's gotta be depressing not getting presents on your birthday. Life as Sanda must be tough.

I told Sai, Sasuke, and Sakura about it when I was reverse-summoned back to Konoha.

Sai said Gaara probably thought it was ramen and didn't want to hurt my feelings. I didn't(and don't) really know what Sai meant by "thought it was ramen", but I assured him that he had to be wrong because Gaara definitely liked ramen.

The Bastard said said something similar. He told me that Gaara probably loathed ramen, knew I'd always give him ramen as a gift, and wanted a way out of the "Naruto Gift Cycle".

Sasuke's an idiot. Ramen is the best gift! He's just jealous that I didn't get him anything.

But I didn't actually tell him that I'd tried to give Gaara ramen... And what the Hell is the Naruto Gift Cycle? Sakura-chan and Shikamaru mentioned it once...

Sakura's suggestion was plain silly. She said it sounded like Gaara decided to steal Santa's job and rename the holiday. Which is just dumb! (Don't tell Sakura-chan I said that.) To do that you'd have to be crazy. Gaara isn't crazy.

At least, not anymore.

I think.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your mildly concerned author.

(Believe it!)

* * *

 _A/N: Reviews are much loved, as is criticism!_


	2. I Just Wanna Sleep

_A/N :_ _I have permission to continue this! Yea! (And thank you!)_

 _I have but one warning : Updates are Irregular._

 _Disclaimer(there will only be one of these) -_ _The journal-style/format idea is from_ Signed: From Your Not So Loyal Author _by the user_ The Kazekage of Suna _._

 _And, naturally, I do not own Naruto. (Which, if I did, would an awful icebreaker. Person 1: "Hey, how ya doing? Did you know I own Naruto?" *Proceeds to get beaten up because of the epilogue.* Person 2: "Change it! CHANGE IT!")_

* * *

 **January 4**

I wasn't planning on writing anything, but Sakura-chan made me. She snuck into my house and read my... Uh... What do you call this thing? Book?

That's not right.

I think Gaara has one of these. Temari said something about it... Aw man! I can't remember! I'll ask Sakura-chan tomorrow.

But not now. No way am I asking right now.

Anyway, she read this book-thingy and I'm pretty sure she shouldn't do that. What if I actually wrote in this?! I could of revealed secrets or written my actual thoughts down or, uh, I don't know. What's that thing Ibiki said? Something about "providing insight to my psycho-lodge-ical workings". It was something about people figuring out how to mentally destroy you. I don't what that has to do with crazy lodges, but my point still stands!

Back to the story...

Sakura-chan saw that I only wrote that one time and got mad.

Real mad.

She sat at my kitchen table until I got home. In the _dark._

I nearly pissed my pants!

I couldn't see anything and it's not like I was expecting her to be in _my HOUSE_! Who just sits in the dark, alone, in the home they _broke_ into? That's right. Sakura-chan _broke_ into my home!

I wouldn't have even minded so much if she hadn't acted so creepy...

I was tired, ok. All I wanted was to get some milk and go to sleep. (Did I mention it was around 8 at night? Which, okay, not that late, but I was tired! Training isn't easy, you know.)

Without turning on the lights, I walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and grabbed the milk carton. As I was drinking from the carton, I left the refrigerator door open and turned around.

The fridge light gives the room a sorta scary glow and I almost didn't see Sakura. But I _did_ see her. And, let me tell you, eerie fridge light does _not_ a look good on her. She looked like Yamato-taichou!

I choked and milk came out my nose and I spewed it all over the floor! I also spilt half the carton on myself!

And Sakura-chan smirked! _Smirked!_

She's been spending too much time with the Bastard.

While I cleaned up, I kept asking what she wanted but she said it could wait. She didn't help, just watched. Do you know how weird that is? And I think she enjoyed it too!

Sakura-chan: "Heh heh heh... Clean, I say! CLEAN!"

She didn't say that, but that's what it _felt_ like.

When I finished, Sakura-chan punched me in the arm and started yelling and waving this book in the air. Between the screaming in my ear and the book hitting me in the head, all I heard was "Christmas" and "diary".

I don't even know what a "diary" _is!_

Sakura-chan threw a pencil and this book at me a few minutes ago and told me to write in it every day.

Every. Single. Day.

Right now, she's on the other side of the table watching me write.

I don't know what I did or why she wants me to do this... But, I don't think I have a choice.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your scared and sleep-deprived author.

(Help me.)

 **P.S.** Sorry about the milk stains. I'm covered in the stuff.


	3. Tomato Strike!

**January 5**

It's one in the morning! Ha, take that! I'm ahead of schedule!

Sakura-chan left 'round 9, but I couldn't sleep.

Well, I mean, I _could_ , but Sakura-chan and Yamato-taichou's faces kept showing up in my dreams.

There was this one where I was at home and I was going to make ramen! But the moment I was about to pore the water in the cup, Yamato-taichou and Sakura-chan's heads popped out of the kettle spout and started screaming about how ramen wasn't healthy!

I'm not a growing boy anymore! I can eat what I want!

It's not like you see anyone yelling at Sasuke for eating tomatoes! And everyone knooows those things can kill you!

Sakura-chan said so herself! We were at the Bastard's house and there was a bowl of mini-tomatoes on his kitchen table. I tried to eat one but she snatched it out of my hand and threw it back in the bowl, saying :

"You eat one of those and you're dead! _Sasuke-kun_ grew them _himself_."

I've heard lots of people talk about how good tomatoes are, but shouldn't they know that those things are poisonous?

I bet that, in small doses(mini-tomatoes), the poison only turns you insane.

That explains why they call tomatoes a fruit even though they're vegetables! No. This explains _everything_! Like! Like! Akatsuki and Orochimaru and Jiraiya and Tsunade and Kurama and...

...

I am never eating tomatoes.

Never.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your full-grown and anti-tomato author.

(No more tomatoes!)

 **P.S.** I should warn Sasuke-bastard... Oh no! What if it's already too late?!


	4. Dog? Or Man-Eating Beast?

**January 5**

Again! Two in one day! HA. Look at me now, Sakura-chan!

So, I went straight to Sasuke's house after writing the tomato thing. And guess what? He wasn't home!

Then again, it was about 2 a.m... He could've been sleeping...

Do tomato-loving bastards sleep?

Oh, yeah! I've gotta warn him about that... Well, I'll get him tomorrow. I don't want to go back to his house today 'cause, either he got a dog or there's a satanic beast living at his compound...

I hope that thing didn't chase me all the way home.

Aw man, what if It know's where I live?! Cra- I left my front door unlocked! And the windows!

What if It sneaks in and EATS me?!

I need to board up all entry points!

(Did I use that phrase right? I heard Kaka-sensei use it that time Sakura-chan got mad at us and we tried to lock her outside because there wasn't enough time to scatter. It sounded really cool, so I wanted to-Wait a minute. I need to be preparing!)

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your taking measures author.

 **P.S.** If you never see me again... Thank you so much for everything... I love everyone.

(Except Sasuke-bastard, since it'll technically be his fault that I'm dead.)

 **P.P.S.** These aren't tear stains. They're, uh... It rained.


	5. Day One: I SURVIVED!

**January 6 (** **Day One)**

 **.**

OhKamiKamiKami! It happened! It happened and I'm alive!

It was roughly 03:30 in the morning after I finished locking and blocking all the windows and the door.

I thought I was safe.

I was wrong.

I sat on my bed, huddled in the blankets-And NO. I was NOT scared... It was just cold. Anyway, I dozed off after a while, but got woken up by these really loud bangs! It felt like the whole building was shaking! The _whole_ building - as in, the entire freaking apartment complex!

No way was I stickin' around. I might not be the smartest guy, but I sure as hell know when my life's in danger. (Cough cough SAKURA.)

Sadly for me, there was one problem. Actually, there was a lot of problems. Mainly in the form of furniture, locks, and "It".

Point is, there was a ton of stuff blocking the windows. I struggled to get it out of the way, but it wasn't working! That's when I heard the door crack... Again, no way was I planning on being eaten alive. I literally **just** made chuunin! Two months ago!

So, I did the reasonable thing. I gave my only hope of salvation(the blockaded window) a good, old-fashioned rasengan.

... I may or may not have put too much chakra into it...

I may or may not have destroyed half my bedroom...

I also **might** have maybe woken up/alerted half the neighborhood and an ANBU squad...

BUT, I can safely say that "It" stopped trying to break into my home and, instead, fled the scene.

I mean, sure; I got knocked out by a chunk of wood, my neighbors all filed complaints, the ANBU reported me to Kakashi, I am currently in the hospital due to glass and debris related wounds, have a large fine to pay, and also need to pay for building repairs. _But_ , all in all, I say last night was a success.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your feeling proud author.

(I'm the best uuuh-rouwwnd! Ain't nothin' ever gonna keep meh dowwwn!)

 **P.S.** It's like noon and I can't leave the hospital till tomorrow. Sasuke-bastard had better visit me! I need to warn him about tomatoes and ask him why the hell he lives near a man-eating, demonic, wild animal.


	6. Day Two: Back at Home!

_A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews and favorites and follows! I really appreciate them!_

* * *

 **January 7 (Day Two)**

 **.**

I got out of the hospital today and nothing attacked me _last_ night. (Maybe It's scared of hospitals?)

Tonight, however, (specifically, right NOW) is a whole 'nother Ramen recipe.

I can hear It... Prowling around outside.

It tried to get through the door again. Luckily, this morning, when I was repairing the building with my shadow clones, I "persuaded" Ero-Sennin to place some reinforcing seals on the doors, walls, and windows. So, It can't destroy the building again. (I definitely had nothing to do with that... My official statement says I was attacked by a werewolf.)

... I'm really creeped out right now.

Seriously, if It gets any closer, I'm going into Sage Mode.

...

OH RAMEN-KAMI! THAT THING JUST GROWLED RIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL! NONONO **HELL** NO!

.

Signed ~ UZUMAKINARUTO, yourfreakingoutauthor.

 **P.S.** BRACINGFORSAGEMODE!


	7. Day Three: Ha! What a Wuss!

**January 8 (Day Three)**

 **.**

Well, my little book, I haVE LIVED. But only 'cause the moment I went Sage Mode, the thing vanished. Like, no chakra signature, no nothing. Just gone.

I'm really disappointed.

I was ready to face my fears and destroy the king of my nightmares. But noooo. It just _had_ to wuss out at the last moment!

... This is so annoying. I take on stronger guys **all** the time! And _win_! Devil-beast should have at least tried to kill me, instead of poofing away like a complete sissy.

Grr.

On the bright side, I managed to live without destroying anything! Although, an ANBU squad did show up to ask what was going on. I told 'em that the werewolf came back and I obliterated it.

I know I lied, but they wouldn't have believed me if I told them that Sasuke's bastard, devil-dog came back for a piece of Naruto and I scared him away with my awesome chakra power. As it was, the squad didn't say anything for a while.

Oh well.

I am currently waiting for It to show up and I am so ready for this thing! I will crush it into dust! Or maybe dirt... Does one option require more work than the other? Lee would be proud if I did the harder one. I think dust is gonna be harder, so I'll just stick with that.

Hehe, bonus: If It's dust, I can toss it into Sasuke-dumbass' kitchen and he'll never know.

"Hmm, the air tastes different, dobe. Did you do something?"

MWAHAHA! "... Uh, no..." Then, I'll just blame the tomatoes. It'll be two ramen bowls with one pair of chopsticks! I. Am. A Genius.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your amazingly fantastic genius-author.

 **P.S.** Dammit, I was supposed to confront Bastard about his tomatoes! At this rate, he is going to go absolutely insane!

... Serves him right. Him and his dumb dog.


	8. Day Four: I win? I think? Yeah

**January 9 (Day Four)**

 **.**

I think I won! There was no sign of Devil-spawn last night!

Does this mean I can stop doing the survival day-count?

Well, I guess that's nice... I should be happy about this, right? No more being _hounded_ by the devil-dog.

(HAHA, I made a **pun!** )

I think I'm gonna miss 'em. We could of been friends, Devil-beast and I. Maybe if he hadn't met Sasuke, he wouldn't be such a bad dog?

I remember all the good times we had...

...

Just had a series of flashback montages and nope. Don't miss 'em anymore. Good riddance. In fact, I can finally get back to my original goal: Saving the Bastard from tomatoes.

I'll visit him tomorrow for sure! But during the day, this time. No more night break-ins for me. No sir-ee.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your reminiscing author.


	9. I'm Back!

**January 25**

.

It's been so looong!

I went on a mission with the Bastard to some creepy dude's castle. Well, I say "went with" but I _technically_ wasn't supposed to and didn't have to... I mean, I got permission! I just had to do some serious convincing!

Admittedly, it was probably a bit overkill sending the two strongest ninja in the village together on an A-rank mission, but once I told Kaka-sensei all about the brainwashing tomatoes, he was all like "hurry, Naruto-sama! You have to go with him!"

At least, that's what I _heard_... He did give me a weird look when I thanked him...

Oh well.

I went and everything was fantastic! I didn't have to write. I finally told that devil-dog-owning bastard all about how poisonous tomatoes are! I also told him how dangerous it was owning dogs. (You have to pick _very_ carefully... Or, you know, not be a terrible owner/someone who spent three impressionable years of his/her life learning from a snake pedophile.)

 _And_ , we ended up taking out the Castle-guy! Sure, he was our client, but he was also evil! Like, off the wall insane! He had a crazy slavery ring and a team of mummies! Bandages and corpses and everything!

Sensei wasn't happy... Neither was Sakura-chan.

They both chewed me out the moment we reported in. Turns out, I wasn't actually allowed to go... "Especially without your diary," said Sakura.

I still don't know what a diary is, but that tomato loving bastard laughed at me!

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your non-diary owning author.

 **P.S.** When I say "laughed", I don't mean normal-people laughter. I mean something like "hnhnhn". You know what I mean? That "I-can't-laugh-normally-cuz-I'm-2-kool-and/or-a-complete-bastard" sorta way?


	10. They All Hate Me!

**January 27**

.

Rabbits hate me.

Ferrets hate me.

(Demon) dogs hate me.

And apparently, cats hate me.

I don't know what I did wrong! I like animals! Really! So what if I tend to accidentally-almost-maim them? I don't do it on purpose!

Er, well... Okay, so I do maim rabbits on purpose, but that's only because they're delicious and it's not like there's a ramen stand in the middle of the forest! (I've checked.)

But I don't even mess with any of the others! Honest!

Er, actually, now that I think about it... I did kinda insult this one ferret and it got real mad. Then later, I insulted it again and the evil thing attacked my face.

... And I guess there was that dog I saved from bandits and then had to jump off a bridge with when the bad guys turned out to be really strong... In my defense, I didn't even notice the waterfall. But noooo! It was all growly _this._ Growly _that._ Don't _look_ at me. _Grr grr grr._

And then there was the whole Demon Dog Incident...

Okay. I guess I can see why they don't like me. But I haven't messed with any cats!

... I think?

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your (apparently) despised author.

(Believe it?)

 **P.S.** Oh. I forgot about Tora... And (literally) _Every. Single. Time. We've ever met._


	11. --Missing Page--

**Secret Page I'm About to Rip Out**

 _ **Secretly February 16**_

.

Okay, listen(read?) closely, Book. I have a Super Secret Genius Plan and It's about to be put into action, but I didn't want you to not know what was going on and getting so annoyed and confused that you end up coming to life and murdering me in my sleep.

Sakura-chan is always threatening me to write in this, but, well, I forgot for a few weeks and, if she finds out, she's going to kill me.

I don't want to die.

So, Super Secret Genius Plan time!

The entry's after this page never really happened and time is _not_ passing at a crazy fast rate, alright?

Don't. Freak. Out.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your sneaky author.

 **P.S.** I'll let you know when it's safe!

 **P.P.S.** This is probably going to hurt, but I'm ripping this page out to save lives! Lives!


	12. Genius Plan! It's the 29th!

**January 29**

.

Erm... I, uh, found a... Er, no... Uh...

Magic!

Yeah!

I got hit with a magic-something and, uh, I went to an alternate universe and saved the world! It all happened very fast and I'm tired and the details are pretty boring and you wouldn't be interested.

So I'm going to save you the trouble and not talk about the boring details.

Really, it wasn't interesting at all.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your world-saving author.

(Believe me!)


	13. Genius Plan! The 30th! Really!

**January 30**

.

This is definitely a different day...

Hmm, so today... What did I do today?

Uh... After saving the other world, I was all tired and just wanted to relax!

I had a fruity drink and did relaxing stuff, like... Erm...

Beating up Sasuke! Yes! That definitely happened and the fruit juice was delicious!

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your relaxed and truthful author.

(Believe it!)


	14. Genius Plan! At the Hospital!

**January 31**

.

I visited Sasuke-bastard in the hospital!

Where he was in a coma.

Because I beat him up.

Yes.

Sakura-chan congratulated me and said, "the Bastard deserved it."

Then Kaka-sensei showed up and got on his knees saying how wonderful I was for doing everybody the service of hospitalizing "the Uchiha Chump". After kissing my feet a couple of times, he offered me the Hokage Hat. I turned him down.

I had to refuse.

It didn't feel like it was right, you know? Like being worshiped for putting trash in the bin. It's just something easy you're supposed to do.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your bursting with integrity author.

(Believe it!)

 **P.S.** This definitely happened.


	15. Genius Plan! ISIS Day!

**January 32**

.

Today I...

Uh...

...

Festival! We had a festival!

For me!

Because I beat up the Bastard and everyone is eternally grateful and(even though I tried to stop them) they kept thanking me!

There was lots of lanterns and fireworks and... Ramen! Yes! There was ramen, games, explosions, lanterns, fireworks, costumes, and even more ramen!

The entire world is so happy that Sasuke finally got a good beating! In fact, January 32 is now a holiday! In recognition of what a jerk the Bastard is, we're calling it "International Sasuke is Stupid" Day.

So... Yeah...

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your celebrating and extremely honest author.

(Believe it!)


	16. Genius Plan! Toe-MAE-Toes!

**January 33**

.

Why is this month so looong? It's unfair.

It's favoritism, I tell you! This is why Gaara went insane. He was born in a month that _never_ ends!

Well, I'm putting my foot down. Tomorrow is the _last_ day of January, thank you very much. And, frankly, I will ignore you if you try to tell me otherwise. (Sorry in advance, but seriously, I refuse to believe that there's a 35th.)

Anyway, today...

Um... Sasuke got out of the hospital!

But he's still in a coma.

Sometimes, when I'm distracted, I can still hear his voice...

"Naruto," he says, "you were right. Tomatoes _do_ make you go insane..."

Then his voice fades away after telling me to eat more ramen.

I always end up shouting, "don't worry, Sasuke! I'll eat enough ramen for both of us!"

Then Sakura-chan starts yelling at me to stop talking to myself and Iruka-sensei shows up with a giant tomato. Somehow, I always end up inside the tomato with a bunch of min-Sasukes with creepy, high-pitched voices who crawl around in spider suits telling me all sorts of weird things like:

"Tomatoes are fruits, Naruto! _Fruuuuuits~!_ "

"They protect the eyes from light damage."

"Rich in vitamins! K and C!"

"They are young! They are tender and nice! Yes they are!"

"Eat them! _Eat_ them!"

Oh, no wait. I'm confusing myself.

That last bit with Iruka and the tomato is a recurring nightmare I have. Has nothing to do with January the 33.

...

Unless...

What if...

Nah, never mind. No one's poisoning my mind.

Haha. Silly me.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your perfectly sane author.


	17. Genius Plan! It was a bird!

**January 34**

.

The end of the month!

 _Finally!_

What happened today?

Hmm...

I'm pretty sure that a giant bird - and I mean GIANT - attacked Konoha.

It took ages to defeat but only 'cause everybody kept going "oh Naruto-sama, you've done so much for us. Please, relax while _we_ take care of it."

After everyone was beaten into unconsciousness by the Giant Bird, I got up and it just exploded from sheer terror.

Yeah, I'm awesome like that.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your getting-more-honest-everyday author.

(Believe it!)


	18. Genius Plan! Ew

**February 1**

.

No more January! Woohoo!

To celebrate, I went out for ramen! But, er, everyone was in the hospital because that giant bird really took a lot out of them.

I got exhausted just from watching.

Now that I think of it, it was pretty sad. I couldn't even laugh, that's how sad it was. (Not that I would have laughed what with the village being attacked an all.) Everyone really needs to train more.

Or at least think of better tactics than just throwing themselves at the enemy.

For example: Throw _other_ stuff.

Like vegetables.

Or Sasuke.

It's not like he's good for anything else.

... Wow, that came out mean. I just meant that, since he was in a coma, he's just laying around doing nothing.

Not that he's useless!

Sasuke-bastard has done tons of stuff! Like... Uh... Oh! Do you know how many tomatoes he's eaten? Think of all the people he's saved from insanity! The bastard is basically Konoha's waste bin!

Wait, that's not what I meant either! He's not trash! He just eats and eats tomatoes like they're going out of style! Uh, not that he's a glutton... Erm, it's, uh... The bastards reaction to tomatoes is pretty much Tsunade-baa's reaction to alcohol! Or, uh, Orochimaru's reaction to really fit children!

... Dammit.

I'm going to stop writing now.

And maybe get some bleach.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your about-to-bleach-his-brain author.


	19. Genius Plan! That BASTARD!

**February 2**

.

Everyone's in the hospital...

It reminds me of that dream I had once. The one where everybody was gone and I was being hunted through the empty streets by my friends and these crazy guys in suits! They had _needles_! And a giant maze!

And Granny was all: "GET OVER HERE, BRAT!"

And I was all: "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

And everyone else was all: "We can't give you a straight answer, Naruto, because we're too busy trying to hunt you down and kabob you with these needles- Wait! Why are you running?!"

And Sasuke was all: "I don't know what's going on or why my teammate is being hunted by the village but... Go hide somewhere else." Only, he actually _kicked_ me out. There was no warning or fancy words, just BAM, "have fun being killed by the village!"

Who just throws the closest thing he has to a friend out into a hostile environment?! Who _does that?!_

I don't care if this was a dream! Now that I remember, I'm going to go beat that bastard up! Teach him to abandon a friend in need!

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your betrayed author.


	20. Genius Plan! Ramen!

**February 5**

.

They're all _still_ in the hospital. Isn't that awful?

I, on the other hand, am doing great.

No people means no one stopping in the middle of the street to worship me and distract me from Ramen! (Teuchi-jii was smart and didn't try to attack the giant bird. I think he thinks that he doesn't have anything to prove because he makes delicious Ramen... I think he's right.)

Speaking of which...

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your suddenly hungry author.


	21. Genius Plan! An actual dream!

**February 7**

.

Today I went out for ramen! And, uh, I took a nap!

A very long nap.

And! And I had a crazy dream where it was back during the war and me and Sakura-chan were in the park when that Tobito guy showed up and was all:

 _Sniff sniff. "I'm so much better than you." BAM. Alternate Universe time!_

And, what do you know, it actually worked.

Did you know Dad apparently likes cooking in pink aprons? Cutesy aprons too. It was weird, but I guess everyone has their quirks. My mom, for example, is terrifying. Like, scarier than Yamato-taichou.

But anyway, I beat other me up and there was a Kyuubi knockdown and emotional/family acceptance thing and then I woke up!

I was not impressed.

It felt like a _normal_ dream. I don't have those!

Where was the peanut-shaped soap? The pinwheel fans? The Giant Ball of Light that scolds me for not performing enough sacrifices and demands that I eat more ramen?! (Then again, I haven't seen him in awhile, so that probably means the sacrificial count is okay, but still!)

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your troubled author.

 **P.S.** This happened. Really! It's not part of my plan!


	22. Genius Plan! Uh, something something?

**February 10**

.

Uh...

...

There was a today...

And I wrote in this book on that today...

So... I technically did what Sakura-chan asked(demanded)?

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your running-out-of-ideas author.


	23. Genius Plan: Complete!

**February 16**

.

It's the sixteenth!

My Genius Plan is finally over and is a complete success!

(I definitely didn't get bored halfway through and skip ahead...)

Anyway, I've had a fantastic day! FANTASTIC!

I ate some ramen, did some training, ate more ramen, trained, ate ramen, t-

...

Wow. Nevermind. It wasn't actually fantastic. It was...

 _Normal._

That's... pretty depressing...

Oh my Ramen! Is this how the Teme feels every day?! No wonder he looks like he hates everybody.

And to think, I make fun of him for it!

Aw man! Now I'm gonna have to do something _nice_ for him! Like... A _gift_.

Don't get me wrong, it's great to be nice, but... This is _Sasuke_ we're talking about...

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your sadly nice author.

 **P.S.** What am I supposed to get for a guy who thinks he has everything? It's not like I can put sanity or humility in a box!


	24. Being nice!

**February 17**

.

For my good deed, I gave the Bastard a grape. Only I painted it red so that it looked like a tomato.

I know he likes tomatoes but, since they turn people insane, I gave him the next best thing!

And then I burned his garden down.

I was _trying_ to destroy his tomato plants, but the fire got a little out of hand... Luckily, I don't think he knows about it yet. What with being in the hospital and all.

Not exactly sure why he's in the hospital. He kinda just ended up there after devouring that painted grape like a starved maniac. Probably got caught in his windpipe or something.

Seriously, ever seen someone turn into a human vacuum and inhale a fake cherry tomato out of the palm of your hand? It's kinda terrifying.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your generous author.


	25. It came BACK

**February 18**

.

Yeah... I visited the Bastard's house so I could clear out the burned plants and pretend like nothing happened, but Sakura-chan caught me... Spoiler alert: She was _not_ happy.

She grabbed me by the ear and started shouting. You know how if you clap or yell really loudly at a swarm of birds, they'll all fly away? Well, I don't think Konoha's got any birds left.

On the bright side(depending on how you look at it), Sakura-chan believes me about the whole demon-dog incident now. Since it, uh, heard her and pretty much tried to kill us.

You should of seen the way It tore around the side of that house. I could have sworn there was a trail of fire behind it. And HA! Sakura-chan's face was _priceless_! She was all "w-what's that?!"

And I was all, "DEVIL SPAWN!"

But I was too busy running to laugh. That and I didn't want her to trip me.

We're now holed up in Sakura's apartment. We would of gone to my place, but the Thing already knows where I live and we didn't want to risk it. Plus, I'm pretty sure I haven't cleaned my underwear off the floor and she'd probably get mad at me for that, and I only want to deal with one ferocious beast at a time.

... I never wrote that.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your probably doomed author.

 **P.S.** But really, don't tell her I wrote that.


	26. Day One with Sakura: dying, send Ramen

**February 19**

.

Still holed up in Sakura-chan's apartment.

Am dying.

No ramen.

Breathing difficult.

Conserving energy.

So... Much... Variety...

So... Much... Home-cooking...

.

Signed ~ UN, yourstarvingauthor.


	27. SHI-

**February 20**

.

It's day two and, wow, Sakura-chan is much better at stressful situations than I am.

... Er, well, what I mean is, she hasn't destroyed anyth- Nevermind.

The front door is gone now...

And there's a lot of screaming outside...

A lot of yelling, too.

Ooh, is that an ANBU Squad?

Wait a minute! Why is Sakura-chan chasing that puppy?

OHCRAP!

.

Signed ~ UN


	28. My aim is perfect, even when it's not

**February 21**

.

So, heh, long story short... Sakura-chan wasn't doing as well as I thought.

Apparently, she heard a bark, saw this dog(puppy) outside the window, and completely lost it. That ANBU squad I mentioned was trying to keep her from maiming this little kid's new pet and... Man, did that fight look painful.

I had to actually help knock her out. (She pretty much turned rabid when I tried reasoning with her.) The ANBU guys distracted her and I beaned her in the back of the head with a grapefruit.

Er, hold on... I _tried_ to bean her in the back of the head...

On a side note, the Bastard was released from the hospital a few moments before Sakura-chan lost it. He also happened to be casually passing by.

Turned out, he was still weakened from choking on that fake tomato and that made him really easy to knock-out. Well, that and, according to Baa-chan, he's "soft in the head".

Which is just weird.

...

And hilarious.

Although, Sakura-chan didn't seem to think so.

Luckily, Kaka-sensei showed up and genjutsu'd her to sleep.

He also wasn't happy.

If I didn't have the memory of Sasuke's face when he got hit with that fruit, I probably wouldn't be too happy either.

But now I'm stuck helping sensei with paperwork.

Even though I _told_ him that it wasn't my fault! I can't help it if other people go insane!

I think he stopped believing me when I tried telling him about the Devil-Spawn.

But that's fine. I'm here to protect Konoha and "ignorance is broth" and broth is delicious, so that has to be a good thing.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your broth-loving author.

 **P.S.** All the crazy yelling and fighting scared away the Beast.

 **P.P.S.** Either that or Its stalking Sakura-chan.

Who is currently confined to some home or hospital room or something.

...

 **P.P.P.S.** I'd go and check up on her, but... If that Monster tries anything, it'll probably be the one that needs help.

... That and I think she's still mad at me.


	29. Paperwork

**February 22**

.

So. Much. Paperwoooork!

How can sensei stand all this?!

How can Gaara?!

Every time I look up, there's _more._ It's inhuman! It's- It's suspicious! That's what it is!

...

There has to be a magic monkey or something that can just multiply paper.

...

How can Konoha have so many complaints! This one guy is mad about his neighbor's smiling habits and this other guy wants money to open up a tea shop, so he can abandon his day job of keeping tabs on "some orange nutcase".

I don't know who painted a case of nuts orange, but why would anybody care?!

...

Maybe there's a Queen Paper?

Ya know, something that's just shooting paperwork out like there's no tomorrow... Or like it _wants_ there to be no tomorrow.

I doubt _I'll_ get a tomorrow. Not with all these paper cuts bleeding me dry.

...

Oh crap! I got blood all over the documents!

...

Oh crap! Washing it isn't working!

...

At all!

...

 _It still isn't working!_

...

CRAP. CRAPCRAPCRAP! The sink is clogged with wet paper!

...

Okay. Okay. No one will figure it out. I found a giant piece of paper, drew a picture of a sink on it, and place it over the clogged sink.

Phew, now that that's over. I'm just gonna get back to work.

...

Screw this! I'm making a shadow clone and getting out of here!

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your escaping author.


	30. Woo! RAMEN TIME!

**February 23**

.

Escaping was the best decision I ever made. In fact, it worked so well that I did it again today!

No one has noticed 'cause I'm currently in disguise.

A _genius_ disguise.

Guess what it is?

Go on! Guess!

...

Oh, uh, woops. Sometimes I forget that this is just a book...

Anyway, I'm wearing a black suit and - brace yourself! - a mask!

That's right! It kinda looks like an ANBU mask but blank. And let me just say, it works perfectly. No one knows who I am!

I mean, yeah, people are giving me weird looks and this lady screamed at me when I tried to play a game of hide and seek with her kid, but... Er, I don't really know what that last part was about...

Maybe the mask works too well? Maybe everyone can sense my god-like power and, without my adorable face to calm them, they're freaking out?

Ah well.

I'm still going to Ichiraku's. I haven't had any of Teuchi-jii and Asami-chan's Ramen for _days_! (I've been busy and distracted and there was Satan-the-Dog and the tomato-grape incident and- there was a lot, okay!)

Point is, nothing will keep me from my Ramen!

 **Nothing.**

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your disguised and ramen-deprived author. (Woo! RAMEN TIME!)


	31. Torch-guy!

**February 24**

.

Okay, so after I finished my Ramen, some guy in a mask like mine showed up and I let him take me to this secret door. It all felt pretty Danzo-ee and suspicious, but I figured it was some ANBU thing and went along with it.

I'm now lost in this creepy dark building/tunnel-thing. (I ran away when the guy who brought me here wasn't looking. He kept wanting me to stand with him and watch the entrance, but wouldn't tell me why and there was no way I was gonna stand around doing nothing for no reason.) There isn't a lot of light down here, but I found this other guy with a torch and he's loaning me some light. Which is weird because I don't really know how I'm gonna pay him back.

But anyway, I don't like this. It's creepy and there isn't a lot of light down here, but, on the bright side, I did find this guy with a torch and he's loaning me some light. Which is weird because I don't really know how I'm gonna pay him back.

Hmm... I hope he likes friendship...

Torch-guy doesn't talk much. Well, he doesn't talk at all actually. Just stands over me looking all sinister... He's wearing the blank mask and black clothes, too. Which, now that I think of it, isn't that the Root uniform? Aw man! Is Torch-guy evil? This sucks! He's reading over my shoulder, too!

No, that can't be right. He got good guy written all over him. He's the one holding the light and, well, I kinda feel like we've bonded in these last few seconds. He's read a page of my Super Secret Book and has basically seen me give birth to said page - which, according to Sakura-chan and Baa-chan, is a very intimate process that only doctors, the baby, the mother, and the father are allowed to see.

Wait a minute, does this mean that Torch-guy is the father? He _is_ technically responsible for this page. It's pretty much about him, after all, and he is the reason I can see... Crap, that makes me the mother, doesn't it? CRAP, do we have to get married?! What am I gonna tell Hinata-chan?!

D-


	32. Still in the Tunnels

**February 25**

.

It's Day Two of being in these tunnels. My clone is still out there somewhere. Soldiering on without me. I hope he's being good to people. That'd be pretty annoying if I got back and everyone was mad at me.

And what if he ruined my reputation?! I'd have to beat him up and confess that it wasn't really me! Then Kakashi-sensei would make me do paperwork again!

... Or, you know, maybe leaving out the confession wouldn't be so bad? I could always win everyone back. I _am_ their future Hokage - and if being in a position of power doesn't make them friendly, I could always rule with fear.

That... Doesn't sound fun but, well... Okay, I can't think about this right now.

 _Aaaaanyway,_ Torch-guy ran off with the light for some reason. I couldn't even finish my last entry! I ran after him yelling "Torch-guy! I was in the middle of something! Don't just leave me here without any light!" He just kept running - he's really fast - so I gave up and kinda got emotional and was all "we had a child together!"

Yeah, he was not having _any_ of that. There was a trail of fire behind him as he rounded the corner. Although... That could have been the torch.

I think he was scared, but that doesn't make sense. I'm not a scary person and I was the only one there! Well, this book - you? - was there and he was there, but you don't really count and I don't think he scared _himself_.

Maybe it was the dark? Maybe that's why he carries a torch around! He's scared of the dark and lives in a creepy, dark tunnel! Poor guy. He needs some Ramen in his life.

 _Idea!_ I, as in me, could introduce Torch-guy to Ramen! (And take him to the surface world or something.) Aw yeah! This is a brilliant idea!

We could bond again! That'll be nice. I liked him. We only knew each other for a short time, but that was all we needed. He's my new best friend. I mean, don't get me wrong, Sasuke is still high on the list but Torch-guy has a special place in my heart.

\- He loaned me light. (Which is fancy lingo for sharing and sharing _is_ caring).

\- Didn't rip my arm off. (I ripped the Bastard's arm off too, but he deserved it. I did not.)

\- Didn't try to kill my friends or take over my village. (Which, meh. But the village? Come on, man! I've been planning that since I was like four! I called _Dibs_. You can't disrespect the Dibs Rule! ... Unless it's Danzo or Madara or Tobi. They called Dibs on Konoha first, but they were evil so it didn't count.)

\- Torch-guy isn't a bastard.

\- We have a matching sense of style. (Technically it's temporary, but whatever).

\- Didn't judge me for writing my thoughts in a book. (Which people seem to do).

\- Doesn't own a demon-dog.

\- Isn't a jerk to Sakura-chan. (They haven't met, but it counts).

\- Isn't insane.

\- Didn't accuse me of having a diary.

\- Aaaaand, he didn't insult me once in all our time together!

Oh, and he read my innermost thoughts and he watched me give birth to the page that he fathered. That is pretty much a clincher in the scheme of things.

I mean, sure, he ran away and abandoned me along with our child, but it's only been a day and he was legitimately scared. Maybe it was cold feet? I _was_ talking about marriage. Heck, I was pretty scared about that too. Next time I see him, I'll tell Torch-guy that it doesn't have to be that, uh, official. So long as he spends time with his kid and provides support for, uh, it(?), then everything's fine.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your reasonable author.

 **P.S.** In case you're wondering, I found a glow stick in my pocket.

 **P.P.S.** Glow sticks are terrible light sources for writing.


	33. Tunnel attics?

**February 27**

.

I found a bear yesterday. In the tunnels.

His name is Wilbur and he told me all about this magic tanning salon in the attic. Apparently, it's only on for eight to twelve hours or something. But it's free, so that's good.

I don't know what he was talking about.

How do tunnels have attics? Is that common?

Wilbur wasn't looking too great either. He kept staring at the ceiling, for one, and he had a mask on his neck. Like, a root mask with a beard under it and it seemed really uncomfortable.

He was skinny for a bear too, and not very strong. I know that because he slapped me in the face with his paw. And not in a manly way. It was more of a flail, really.

I didn't threaten him when he slapped me. I was kinda mesmerized by the floppy arm gesturing and(after he hit me) the tears and girlish, high-pitched screaming. (His fur was so swishy and weird! Like he had air instead of flesh!) I think I should have laughed or hit him back because he's following me around now.

That's why I didn't write yesterday. He was watching me really closely and I don't think Torch-guy would be happy if I had a page-kid with someone else. Even if it's a bear. I'm not willing to take that chance. Plus, bears and people would probably have weird kids and I don't want a deformed/furry page in this book.

I better finish this before he comes back.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your being followed/stalked author,

 **P.S.** Wilbur reminds me of Sasuke. If he were a bear, emotional, and had lived in a tunnel for twenty years.


	34. Wilbur Flambe

**February 28**

.

We found Torch-guy today! Or, Wilbur did.

I was sleeping and dreaming that I was in that tanning salon in the tunnel attic, but Wilbur kept trying to kick me out because I wasn't a good enough painter and I was trying to explain to him that he was a bear and couldn't even get a tan. It all went downhill from there and Wilbur then tried to drown me, but there wasn't any water and- it was just long and ended with Wilbur turning into butter.

Anyway, I woke up because someone was screaming and it was pretty quavery and high pitched. Thinking somebody was in trouble, I got up and tracked the sound down.

There I was, expecting a damsel in distress or somebody I could save then ask for directions to the nearest exit, and, before you ask, I was totally sane and perfectly hydrated thanks to my amazing survival skills (I found a store room for rations and a canteen filling station). Instead of that happening, I rounded the corner to find some scrawny, creepy bear running up and down the tunnel on two legs, waving its front paws in the air, and releasing the most pitiful sound I've ever heard. Torch-guy was standing there watching him and, even with the mask, looking very unimpressed.

I was just about to run down there and ask what the hell was going on but, Torch-guy suddenly lifted his torch, leaned forward, and set Wilbur on fire right as the bear passed by.

I have never seen anything catch fire so fast. Bear fur: it's better than gasoline.

Now, I realise that setting an animal on fire is not friendly or good in any way and I was _going_ to do something about it but then Wilbur started to _peel his skin off_.

NOPE.

Not happening.

I tried to stop him and thwack out the flames at the same time, but Wilbur was still screaming like a pre-teen and just would _not_ stop wriggling around!

But, turns out, everything was okay and I didn't have to arrest Torch-guy for animal cruelty because, apparently, Wilbur isn't actually a bear. Just some guy in a loincloth with a root mask and a beard who was wearing a bear suit instead of actual clothes. Completely normal.

... I'm going to have nightmares about this. I can tell.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your freaked out author.


	35. Tunnel Buddies!

_A/N:_ _You people are amazing. I love your reviews and am especially happy to know you're enjoying this._

 _So, suddenly inspired(and OCD), I went through the chapters, did_ a lot _of_ _editing. As of now_ _[August 29, 2017],_ _Chapter 11 is new and so are Chapters 18 through 22._

 _For all the others, I've squirreled around with the layout and changed the wording a bit. Some may be different (for ex. Chap. 1 has a few new details), but most of them shouldn't have changed too much._

 _Thank you very much for reading! (Sorry about the long A/N.)_

* * *

 **March 1**

.

Having Torch-guy back is great! He's still a little weird and won't come within five feet of me, but I think Wilbur the Not-bear freaked him out and now he thinks he has to protect me.

I should probably be complaining or concerned(Torch-guy _did_ just casually set someone on fire), but I'm just glad I'm not alone anymore.

Especially alone with Wilbur.

It's not that I don't like him, it's just... I'm not sure he's a good influence on a young book page.

But otherwise, he's great. The loincloth is still weird and he does crazy dances when Torch-guy isn't looking, but he's kinda growing on me.

You know, when he isn't trying to get revenge.

Yeah, that's a thing now. (I told you he reminded me of the Bastard.)

Poor Torch-guy looked away for a second and got covered in melted rat fat. (Wilbur refuses to eat stuff that isn't fresh... Or raw... Again, not a good influence.) He almost caught fire too(what with having a torch by his face), but I put it out with a fancy Ninjutsu!

But, for no apparent reason, the fox kinda decided to help out with his chakra and we almost drowned. Well, _they_ almost drowned. I'm fine.

Unfortunately, the torch wasn't.

I'm pretty sure Torch-guy(ex-Torch-guy now, I guess) is crying. Can't really tell 'cause he's soaked, but his mask has been dripping for awhile...

Although, it could be because Wilbur's loincloth was also a flood victim and now me and (ex)Torch-guy are scarred for life. I lived with the Perverted Sage so I recovered real fast, but...

Poor (ex)Torch-guy.

When we get out of here, I'll get him a new torch. Ooh, and a box of matches as an extra special something! (And as a back up in case he shrinks. Everyone says a ninja has to be prepared.)

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your still stuck author.

 **P.S.** I guess it's back to glow sticks...


	36. Going Insane

**I DON'T KNOW!**

.

I lost track of time because I got knocked out and **it's all Wilbur's fault**!

Well... Okay, it's also my fault, but how was I supposed to know that door was supposed to be a shortcut to death?! It was an honest mistake!

And I _told_ them not to follow me down because I had already tried climbing and the walls were _chakra resistent_! But did Torch-guy listen? NOPE. Because he was too busy BEING STUPID and FALLING ON ME. I was knocked _unconcious_! I DON'T KNOW THE DATE ANYMORE _AND I MISS RAMEN_!

IT'S BEEN MONTHS.

Er, something like that. It's been too long. That's the important part.

...

Aaaanyway...

To be fair, I'm pretty sure Wilbur pushed Torch-guy (that's why this is his fault), but my point still stands! You don't turn your back on a crazy not-bear! He could have tossed me a rope or something and we could have avoided this! I could be HOME right now! BUT OF COURSE NOT.

... Alright, so I'm a bit, uh, _emotional_. Like Sakura Level bordering on Drunk Baa-chan Level... I think the tunnels are getting to me. I'm almost out of glow sticks too. Five left. _Five_. Thanks to Kurama because, naturally, the one time he tries to help someone _he doesn't_ and **drowns** Torch-guy's reason for _existing_ and _our one dependable light source_!

Wow. That's- I'm really sorry, I didn't mean that, Kurama. You help me all the time! And succeed! I'm just- Wow, I need to get out of here. And probably apologise some more to everyone.

Alright, Torch-guy, I'm sor- no, I know you're reading over my shoulder again so don't- OI! DON'T LOOK AWAY WHEN I'M WRITING TO YOU! Oh, okay, wow, sorry, I'm kinda stressed right now. I didn't mean to yell. Really. It's not- Oh. Great. Now he's sulking...

I'll just try again in the morning.

Anyway, the bright side of all this: Wilbur didn't follow us down so I can write without secrecy and breathe without feeling creeped out or, you know, start suffering from flashbacks of the Accidental Flood... Torch-guy is still grieving, by the way...

I should probably apologise for (accidentally) murdering his torch while I'm at it.

Even though it's KURAMA'S FAULT.

... We really need to get out of here. This isn't fun anymore.

.

Signed ~ Uzumaki Naruto, your emotionally unstable author.

 **P.S.** Ha. Ha. Emotionally unstable... I'm a real member of Team Seven now.

...

 **P.P.S.** I miss Ramen.


End file.
